This article was sent to me this weekend- it was found here-http://www.huffingtonpost.com/maggie-lamond-simone/mean-girls_b_937810.html?ncid=webmail16
This was written by Maggie Simone and I felt that I wanted to share it here on my blog. How many of us have not been effected in some way by a MEAN girl before?
I remember watching my daughter and her friends interact on the playground when she was two, three and four years old. Boys or girls, quiet or rambunctious, it didn't matter; everyone was a possible new friend. Everyone had potential.
After she started school, a shift began to evolve that was so subtle, it could have been missed. It was a power shift, of sorts. When I subbed in the elementary schools during those years, I saw it almost everywhere, the divisions forming. The playground cliques. The pitting of one child against another -- if you include her, I won't play.
My daughter came home one day in third grade and told me that a friend had created a club during recess; my daughter was invited to join, but her best friend was not. When I asked her how she felt about it and how she handled it, she said, somewhat indignantly, "Well, I didn't join, of course!" She then did the eye-roll, the non-verbal "you idiot," and walked away.
I couldn't have been more proud of her at that moment -- eye-roll or not. I knew it was a small victory, an early one, but it was a start. Her friends' mothers and I have been on a quest since the beginning of their friendships to mitigate, if not completely eliminate, the "mean girls" phenomenon that seems so endemic in our daughters' lives.
Why are we like that? Why do we need to hurt, put down, insult, and otherwise belittle others to make ourselves feel good? I'm sure there are many, many answers and reasons to the broad societal issue of bullying, but with girls, there seems to be an additional impetus. As Mary Pipher, Ph.D., suggested in "Reviving Ophelia," the adolescent years are when girls' self-esteem nosedives.
I remember my mom telling me things like that when I was a child -- a fringe kid, not one of the popular girls: "They're just jealous, honey." And I would think, jealous of what? The flaming red hair? The intelligence? Ooh. Yes. Those things are SO COOL. And I would roll my eyes at her and walk away. And yes, I do see the trend there.
As an adult, I get it. When girls lose their self-esteem, they DO become jealous -- maybe of another girl's things or looks, but also maybe simply because she hates herself. In my experience, girls who are insecure need the validation of others to cement their own self-worth, and often that validation comes at the expense of kids who don't fit the standard definition of "normal."
That's where the other moms and I stepped in.
It started -- we started -- even as the girls were starting to mature, to find their voices, their interests, their strengths. If our daughter was disrespectful to a friend, or rude, or not playing fair, we sat her down and explained that good friends build each other up, they don't tear them down. We helped them understand empathy: "How do you think you might feel if a friend said/did that to you? Do you think it could be hurtful?"
As situations occurred between our girls, we would coach them on how to understand other people's feelings, how to understand their own, and how to work things through. We still do, sometimes. But now, for the most part, we let them work things out themselves, because they have the tools to do so without hurting each other. They know, at the end of the day, that meanness will not be tolerated.
Earlier in the year we worked with a local youth center that focuses on positive body image and self-esteem, to create a kind of "We Rock!" party for our girls. They spent an afternoon doing crafts and activities around what they like about themselves and what's special about their friends, and emerged even tighter than before.
There are so many more ways today for girls -- kids -- to hurt each other; I may not be able to give my daughter self-esteem, but I'm hoping, through these kinds of activities, that I can give her the tools to hang onto what she already has. Finding other moms who share that philosophy has made the battle much easier.
Our hope is to cement our girls' self-esteem before the teen years can sabotage it. Will we be successful? I don't know. What I do know is that if I don't try, I will not forgive myself. I simply cannot accept that the pain I experienced in middle and high school at the hands of mean girls is a rite of passage. If we help our girls develop/retain their self-esteem, there's a better chance they will be neither bully nor victim.
It's never going to be as simple as the playground. But I still believe in the potential."
I read this and I thought of so many experiences that I have had personally. I still to this day HATE to remember the time that I got the call that someone had put tacks on my daughters chair in ELEMENTARY school. I could go on and on... Does it really end when we are 18? 20? become a mother or wife???? NOPE it does not. That is what is sooo sad.Even NOW at my age, I hear "so and so" said this and that and I am ALWAYS baffled. I am going on record to say that we- EACH of us...needs to stand taller and STOP the gossiping, back biting and support each other. Be a FORCE of good!!!!!
I once heard a talk by a weathly man- Jon Huntsmen. He talked about meeting very famous, and weathly people in his life. He told us that the MOST imporant people he remembered was those who were KIND. The other things do not matter. Are we KIND? Do we build people up or try to tear them down?
I have and will always be the girl who is freinds with everyone. I do not ever want to be the girl who makes others feel bad or "less than." I encourage my children to be KIND and to include everyone. So many people are HURT daily by others who feel they can TEAR other people down. It just is not right and I hope that by education and really talking about the issues we can help others to accept and love themselves. As woman we need to love and build other woman and NOT be like the things we see on REALITY TV... like the Housewifes of ....blah blah blah....
SORRY... I know it's deep... I know I'm passionate... and I just wish we could remember that we are ALL God's children. I hope I have not offended anyone. I am not perfect, and I am not at all trying to say that I am. I know we can all read the article and think about it... and take it to heart.
Have a fabulous day!
